A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!

"You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true."
- Billy Joel, "Vienna"

So apparently my cousin Selang is getting married even though she has never told me about her fiance - I get all my news from my mother. This same mother told me that I have to change my flight ASAP because I'm the maid of honour... sweet Lord, I'm not even 21 yet and I am already serving as maid of honour as weddings. This only lends more credence to the stresses I've been having all weekend about my insanely busy schedule and life. I feel like there's never enough time and money, and I have to give up a whole bunch of things I wanted to do because of it. Here's a rundown of concerns I have right now:

1. Book a flight from Paris Charles de Gaulle to San Francisco, first of all (am waiting for STA Travel in Santa Barbara to open so I can get help from the travel agents there)
2. Book a flight to San Francisco to NAIA (my mother's job, but she is waiting on my schedule... it will come soon, mum. promise.)
3. 10-minute French presentation, including a 3-page dossier and the shooting of a 4-minute music video, due next Thursday
4. 10-page music term paper due next Friday
5. 10-page English term paper due the Friday after next
6. "A Chorus Line" from April 23 to 25
7. A bunch of Communications reading logs due throughout the semester
8. Finals on May 12, 13 and 16
9. London trip May 13-15, including Josh Groban in "Chess," May 13 (actually I'm really happy about this other than the freaky-deaky exchange rate)
10. Maid of Honour at Selang's wedding in June
11. Philippines trip for one month (another bright spot, but again, so much timing and budgeting to do on both Mum's and my part)
12. Ma's birthday (present?)
13. Summer School from June 24 to August sometime - CHOOSE CLASSES APRIL 1.
14. Senior Year beginning in late September, and graduation in June 2009... and grad school afterwards...
15. General ticking of my biological clock, which SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM BECAUSE I'M ONLY TWENTY YEARS OLD, AND HAVE BEEN TOLD SO REPEATEDLY, but if I want to have a kid by 27 I only have seven years to find the absolute love of my life and actually keep him in my clutches this time. Seven years seems like a long time, but time is going by faster and faster and faster and if I want to achieve everything I want to before I'm thirty it's going to take a lot of time and money, neither of which I have, or expect to have for a while. I'm afraid to end up alone and broke at thirty, not having achieved anything that I want to because life keeps passing me by. I am in my favourite city in the world and things are going by just SO QUICKLY that I don't have time to enjoy anymore. Sometimes I want to give it all up and just bum around Europe Hemingway-style, but since I do not share his talent or his bank account I know darn well I can't do that and must keep on slogging away at whatever I'm doing. I don't want to be disappointed by Paris, and I refuse to be disappointed by Paris, but even with my share of exhilarating, euphoric moments, I still feel the ennui setting in, like, "why am I here? Why am I at school? Why can't I do the things I want to? Why can't I have enough money as the rest of everyone?"

The last issue is particularly jarring to me, because of the declining dollar value (I KNEW I WAS BORN TEN YEARS TOO LATE) and impending recession, according to my mother. Even though I am the daughter of two accountants, and you all know how my mother sometimes finds my budgeting peculiar and over-the-top (I write down everything. EVERYTHING.) the money is never ever enough. I grew up hearing my mother's stories of how my grandma was too poor - and busy raising her own siblings, and then fighting World War II, and then raising her own children - to go to school, and how she herself was so poor in college that she couldn't even afford a slice of pizza or a snack out of a vending machine. I am so determined to make her proud, but somehow I always, always, ALWAYS screw up and my bank account is dwindling away. And here I am whinging about how I can't go to Italy (one of my other dreams) after crossing Europe because mommy won't let me (technically, she will, but then she holds the money thing over my head, which obviously means "no").

I hate how going to this school makes me feel so petulant and plebeian - I just talked to my friend Lindsay and she shared the same concerns. As her home university is NYU and she is from a middle-class Asian family like myself, she hates how she can't share in the same luxuries that our real AUP classmates can, like jetting off to Greece for a weekend or getting that new Chanel purse. At the same time, she feels guilty about spending so much of her and her parents' hard-earned money because of the infernal exchange rate. We barely (well, I barely) spend any money on anything but food and transportation, but it all adds up. It's like my mother's experience on a grander, yet still a pettier, scale: whereas she couldn't afford pizzas, vending machine snacks, or sometimes trips home on the jeepney like her classmates, I can't afford nights out, Chanel purses, or trips to Rome like my classmates. The exchange rate makes my experience a bajillion times worse, but the superficiality of the things I complain about makes my experience a bajillion times pettier in comparison. I have just enough to survive, but that's IT, and there's SO. MANY. THINGS. TO DO. IN EUROPE. and whereas my mother always came back to the Philippines (our current problem concern) I get the feeling I'm never ever coming back to Europe. I told my mom so in a fit of petulance this morning, but it feels truer and truer as time goes by. After AUP comes the Philippines (spending time and money), then summer school (time), then senior year (time and a bit of money), then GREs (time and money), then grad school (time and MONEY), then trying to find a job (MONEY MONEY MONEY), then finding a boyfriend and possible husband like five years down the line (time time TIME... I don't care what anyone says about being too young, every time I see someone making out in the metro my blood starts to boil because I know that I don't have anyone, not even for marriage or baby daddy purposes - GOD FORBID I SHOULD HAVE A KID AT MY AGE... Ana and Justine, I salute you - but for selfish purposes like love and snuggling and some sort of comfort), then having kids before my ovaries go kerflooey (time, MONEY), then worrying about the emotional, physical, and financial development of said kids (time, time, money, money, time, money), then worrying about spoiling grandchildren and other descendants (time and money), then death (money).

Who has time to eat, or sleep, or go to Europe, or LIVE, when there's all this crap to do?

At least I can eat.

And I'll get plenty of rest when I'm dead.